Picking Yourself Up Again

It's taken me a long time to remember who I am since being fired from work four months ago. I've heard people say when they get let go from a job, they lose their identity. In other words, they based who they were, off of their career.

This wasn't the case for me. Instead, the problem I had after being let go was rediscovering my identity prior to entering the workforce and, shaping it into a better one. A better me, who was true to myself. You'd think it'd be easy to just "be yourself," but for me, and probably for a lot of people, it's not.

Part of the reason, I think it's so hard to be yourself, is because we all have to work with people who have very different personalities. And most of the time, unless you're really lucky, you have to change your own personality at work.

As a kid, I never understood the term "office politics." I figured it out pretty quickly with my first job as a waitress. I was about 16 years-old, young and dumb. I let the other waitresses push me around. I had absolutely no backbone (and very few tips, for that matter.) And I hated myself for it. This behavior continued through my teen years, my 20's, and into the first year of my 30's.

And then, recently, I got fired.

It broke my heart for about three days. It wasn't until Tom and I really sat down and had a conversation about it, that I started to mend up. Tom reminded me that I was let go for medical reasons and that my being sick and getting fired were not my fault. I attribute some of my illness to being stressed out 24 hours a day.

As you know, there is a direct correlation between stress and illness. Stress manifests itself in all sorts of fun ways. You might recognize a few of these:

* The nervous eye tic (this one's my favorite, because you wink at everyone.)

* Vomiting.

* Lack of appetite.

* Increasing of appetite.

* Migraines.

* Muscle spasms.

* Panic attacks.

* Depression.

* High blood pressure.

* Heart attacks.

And all sorts of other equally awesome health issues!

I can't remember ever having a job where I wasn't stressed out. And kudos to me for getting into one of the most stressful industries: Fashion. I won't bore you with too many logistics, but I'll put it in easily understood terms.

Imagine you're an artist and you have only one day to crank out five different t-shirt designs. There's eight hours in a day, so divide eight by five and voila! A little over an hour and a half to complete each design. 

You're probably thinking, "That's impossible, right?" It is. Somehow, by some fucking miracle you learn to fly without wings. But it comes at a price.

The pressure is on like boiling water in a kettle. And if you understand creativity at all, you know that trying to be creative under stress, is like an evil joke. And before long, that kettle starts a whistlin', my friend.

Enter "office politics" into the equation, and you've got a big, wet, shitty mess on your hands. People talking about you behind your back, giving knowing glances at each other as they pass by your desk, blatantly not including you in conversations- or even worse, ignoring anything you try to add to the conversation. I actually had one woman plan a party right in front of me for two days at work, and then invite everyone in the office but me. I had another woman who I went to lunch with everyday, suddenly start ignoring me for two weeks straight without any explanation at all. So, it's pretty much like high school all over again.

But get this.

95% of the people I've had problems with at work were: Women. Ding, ding, ding! 

WOMEN!!!

People of my own sex! People, who should be supportive of each other's accomplishments because, look how far we've come, ladies! We can vote! We can have kids and have a career! We can run for office! We should be fucking holding hands, dancing in a circle to "Ring Around the Rosie!"

This is why working with men has always been so much easier for me. Men don't play mind games (usually.) Their goal is to get the job done in the most efficient way possible. But as luck may have it, fashion is comprised mostly of females.

The constant stress, the cliques, the arrogance and catty-ness all came to a head. And then I got very, very ill. And I am still recovering.

One of the purposes of this entry is to let other people in my situation know that, you aren't alone. I've come to realize, there are people in this world that just don't want to see you happy. Somewhere along the way, someone must have hurt them, and like a wounded animal, they've decided to lash out at someone who happens to be standing nearby. And if that's the case, it's not your fault.

Let me be clear about something else. Just because someone is Christian or religious, does not mean they are peace-loving people. In my experience, a LOT of people who claim to be followers of Jesus, can be just as cruel as any non-believer. 

The other purpose of this entry is to share how far I've come! I'm rediscovering myself, and learning to love who I am. And anything I find that I don't like about myself, I'm changing it for the better. 

I no longer have to sit quietly at my desk, afraid to speak, for fear of being thrown away like a piece of garbage. I no longer have to put on headphones to block out the conversations which I'm not invited to join. I no longer have to walk around on eggshells, hoping and praying that it will be a better day.

It is already a better day.

Love and light to you all,