Are You Hollywood Material? -- By Tom

Ever wonder if you have what it takes to be a Hollywood screenwriter? To find out, take this quick test, made with science!

1. Do you have any other marketable skills – computer programming, accounting, horseshoe making?

If so – do that. If not, maybe screenwriting is your only option. Many famous screenwriters got their start in the business because they were literally unemployable outside of Hollywood. You’ll often read interviews where they say things like, “I couldn’t imagine myself doing anything else.” You know why that is, William Goldman, writer of “The Princess Bride”? Because your horseshoes aren’t worth a damn, that’s why.

It's a hard life. But at least I didn't write "Burlesque."

2. Are you willing to work for free?

If Yes – Congratulations! You’re halfway to being a screenwriter already. Everyone from Hollywood studios to powerful producers to your broke neighbor (who has a great idea for a movie, he just needs someone to write it because he’s too busy) will want you to write for them. But not for actual pay.

If No – Consider a career in plumbing. You’d better believe someone’s gonna pay top dollar to keep an overflowing toilet from flooding their home before they spend a dime on your script.

3. Can you make sense of studio notes?

“We love everything you did. We’d just like to make a few minor changes.” 

(Translation: We want a page-1 rewrite.) (Translation to the translation: Start over and rewrite everything.)

“We feel you need to raise the stakes.”

(Translation: Blow up more crap.)

“We don’t get the talking dog’s character arc.” 

(Translation: Kill the dog.)

I promise to keep quiet!

If you can’t decipher studio notes, don’t sweat it. Executives usually forget about anything they said to you in a couple of weeks. They’ll forget about you not long after that.

4. Can you handle rejection? Can you, loser?!!!

The default setting for all Hollywood types is to just say “No.” It’s easier to keep their jobs that way. But  they're not the only ones who will try to crush your dream of being a screenwriter. Everyone will. Your mother by constantly trying to guilt you into getting a “real job.” Your dick friends by getting things like steady incomes, homes, and families. Your landlord by demanding the rent.

The only way keep going is an iron determination to follow your dream. Also helpful is blind ignorance of just how badly the odds are stacked against you. 

5. Finally, can you create fascinating characters, memorable dialogue, captivating plots, and moving stories?

Ha-ha! Trick question. You don’t actually need any of that for a Hollywood movie.

Does Mars also need good writers?