Claustrophobia Today

Claustrophobia is one of those things you hear about, even joke about, unless you experience it. It's hard to really imagine and its a very sudden thing.
When I was in high school, I had a friend, Kelsey, who was creative and outgoing. This was fostered by her family - also creative and outgoing. Kelsey was always sort of edgy and she was a year older than me. I had harboured a crush on her brother, Kierstan, since grade school. He was my age. I also had a killer crush on their cousin Brian, who I thought lived far away but occasionally visited. (Turns out he lived in Northern Ky, which was about 20 miles away, but what did I know?)
Kelsey's family took me spelunking once. The whole day is sort of blur, except for a couple of scenes. Kelsey and I were there with Brian, Kierstan, Brian's mom, and Kelsey's dad. We were wandering through gorgeous caves. Then there came a small round tunnel that you had to crawl through on your stomach. I'll never forget it. I got stuck halfway through, with Kelsey in front of me and Kierstan behind me. I think they had to drag me out. I know I cried. I had experienced this unbelievable sense of the world, everything, closing in on me, squishing me, and I couldn't breathe. I was sent above ground to hyperventilate in the peaceful open, non-squishing landscape. That's the day I learned I was claustrophobic. It's a hard thing to learn in front of two guys on whom you have a crush.
I feel it occasionally in overcrowded elevators. I usually avoid unorganized crowds because I feel it then. I felt it a bit when I had the Open MRI for my lower back. That wasn't too awful though, because my head was free and I had headphones. Music is very distracting and calming. However, I remember thinking that "open MRI" is a matter of perspective.
Today I had an MRI on my cervical spine, otherwise known as my neck. Remember how my left fingers are numb? That crazy needle/electrical test (EMG) I had in October deduced the numbness might be caused by a compressed nerve in my neck. Great.
When I chose where to have this MRI, I chose ProScan at Paul Brown Stadium. My theory? It's where the Bengals "live," therefore the MRIs are wider and more open. Gigantic football players have to fit in these machines. Well, my theory played out. The MRI center was right next to the field entrance under the stadium, so that injured players could immediately have an MRI. The professionals there assured me that these are, indeed, the largest, most open, Open MRIs in the city. In fact, the machine didn't even look that threatening.
Until they locked me into it,

with a shoulder rest and head brace and then sent me under the "roof" of the machine. I cried. They couldn't let me have music because no metal is allowed, ruling out headphones. They were, of course, scanning my head and neck region. In between each test, I moved my arms around, just to remind myself that this thing was, indeed, open. I was not in an enclosed tunnel. It didn't matter. The top of the MRI (the scanner I imagine) was directly over my head and it was close and huge. They informed me that the next test would involve the table moving. I took a deep breath, clutched my stuffed lion (anything to calm my nerves), and closed my eyes. The table moved. In fact, something was spinning and it felt like me. I had my first panic attack in years. I used to get them all the time, then my life calmed down. Apparently claustrophobia induces panic attacks. I squeezed the button and they came running in to set me free.
They had to send me back in for several more tests. We had to re-do two tests - one because of the panic attack and one because of "motion." Of course there was motion - my whole body was shaking.
When I was finally out of the machine, I sort of broke down and cried alot. I was so relieved to be out. In order to get to the imaging center, they pick you up in a golf cart from a secured area of Paul Brown Stadium. When leaving, they drove me around the inside of the stadium, maybe to make sure I was calm enough to drive, and I got to see the field, parts of the locker room, the gym, and two gigantic men whom I can only assume are football players. So that was kind of neat. Then Kevin took me to lunch at Hofbrau Haus because a pretzel sandwich with bier cheese is pretty awesome comfort food.
An MRI is a completely painless experience, but for someone with claustrophobia, it's incredibly tough. I found myself wishing that I'd never mentioned the pain and numbness in my hand. So far I've had electrical shocks, needles stuck all over my arms, and a panic-inducing MRI. I'm good. No more tests please.
I go back to the dr on Dec 1 to find out what the MRI results say. I've got the films here with me, but they make no sense. I've ruled out surgery as an option, so if this isn't something that can be fixed with therapy, then I'm just living with it.

Technorati: elbow, ulnar, ulnar nerve, elbow surgery, cubital tunnel, claustrophobia

Comments

[Kate]

Shel! How awful! I'm sorry to hear you had such an ordeal today. Good thing it was a beautiful day to drive around at the stadium. I hope you have a nice, OPEN evening tonight. I'll call later.

HUGE HUGS
Kate

[Jason Griffey]

That's really terrible, Shel. As someone with the opposite issue (I have claustrophilia), I can't really relate. But I know that I've dealt with a ton of claustrophobia attacks from my days at Carter Caves, and it's never pretty. It's a real fear, and it causes terrible attacks. I'm sorry you have to deal with that!

[Shel]

You know, Jason, I went and looked up Claustrophilia. Wow - you enjoy closed in spaces. I can't even imagine that - at all. But, it must be good for someone who likes caveing!

[Brian Smith]

You described it well. I am a 51 year old male and do not remember ever having Claustrophobia before. I had a closed MRI yesterday, or at least attempted! I went through about 15 minutes and my mind would not allow me to continue. I am a big man and my nose was about 2 inches from the tube. After about 30 seconds, I started to feel trapped. I shook it off and tried to think of the beach and all of the places that I love. It was amazing, but I flashed back to when I was 6 yrs old and my older brother wrapped me in a blanket and would not let me out. I got the exact same feeling of suffocation. They let me out to stretch, but after I was out, my brain said there was NO WAY I was going back in that. I have an open MRI scheduled.